Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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10:45 pm - funny how it's not funny at all
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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
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1:39 am - mommy....
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i wish it didn't take this for you to see
and i wish you could just love me for me
i'm sorry i has to be this way
and i'm sorry if you now hate me
but there is more to me than you
and despite what you say maybe one day you could
know the real me and not want to change it
maybe one day you could love me as much as i love you
but till then this is how it has to be
but don't think i'm not sorry
i love you and once i'm gone maybe you can see...
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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12:22 am - you're not going to understand this...
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life is so strange.
there are so many things that we would rather not see.
maybe because we are afraid.
or maybe because we know that if we decided to start seeing them
then they would change how we look at life and the people that we are.
i'm more afraid of not opening my eyes to what's on the other side of the tracks though.
"curiosity killed the cat"
that's what people are telling me.
i know that they are right.
i don't know what i'm about to get myself into.
but by all means come hell or high water i'm going to see the truth behind this world and all the dirty little secrets it has to offer.
how can you know true good until you have seen evil?
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, April 6th, 2006
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3:18 pm - UPDATE ON LIFE OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS:
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*Dyed hair dark…again and have decided to keep it that way.. For the time being.
*Got consumed by my dirty little eating disorders
*Started going to a shrink
*Stopped going to a shink
*Tried to commit suicide
*My parents put me on lock down after I tried to commit suicide which meant:
-they took away my cell phone and could talk to anyone for a month
-they took all objects away from me that could be harmful: shavers, scissors, pens, shoes laces, belts, any jewelry with sharp edges, curling irons, ect.
-they also stood by the bathroom door every time I went in to make sure I wasn’t throwing up.
-I wasn’t able to see my friends or go out for a month.
-no myspace, aim, or ednos.
-they also gave me sleeping pills at night so I would sleep without them having to worry about me
- I couldn’t close the doors to my room or lock any doors at any given time.
-AND PRETTY MUCH NO LIFE FOR A MONTH
*Got on anti-depressants
*Got off of anti-depressants
*Got a boyfriend
*Broke up with my boyfriend
*Thought I had an std…luckily it was a urinary track infection…I was so fucking happy!!!
*Got serious about photography
*My sister got married
*My good friend died
*Stopped putting up with everyone in Hemet and dropped them all -Casey &Mari
*Started writing a book about the christian church
*Got back to going to the gym twice a day
*Decided to get certified as a personal trainer
*Found out that my Great Uncle has three months to live
*Made a deal with a guy that wanted to make me a model only later for my mom to find out that what he meant by model was porn model (I laughed, she screamed)
*Had a good friend find out that she has a brain disease and wont make much longer
*Took up kickboxing
*Decided to get a place in San Diego with three of my best friends
*Found out that my uncle that is living with us is doing coke now
*Had some of the BEST sex in my whole life!
AND ALL IN ALL WITH THE SUPPORT OF SOME OF THE BEST FRIENDS THAT SOMEONE COULD EVER HAVE!...
I’M DOING GREAT!
current mood:  cheerful
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, December 4th, 2005
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11:36 pm - why do i fall for the random ones?
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11:19pm
"hey!"
"hey sweetie how was work?"
"uggg...boring!..
and now no one can hang out so
now i'm even more bored infact if it wasn't for you i
would be bashing my head into a wall cause i'm sooo bored!!"
"ohh sorry sweetie and that's sounds kinda weird!..
but maybe it's cause it's like
a sunday night at 11 something and people
have class in the morning!"
"rrr...people are gay! so i saw your boyfriend today.."
"what boyfriend?"
"aaron..."
"please don't say he's my boyfriend thanx! i was drunk!"
"that's how every good story ends"
"what?"
"i don't want to talk about it anymore..
i'm going to bed or something...
i'll call you later...
goodnight beautiful."
"wait? what? ok i guess i'll talk to you later then...
or something but
sweetie be safe ok"
don't worry...
i'll call you later."
*click*
11:21
what just happen?
current mood:  confused
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Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
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3:19 am - hmmmmmmmmmmmm
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i'm sad cause i'm lonely and addahm was going to come over to night for dinner and movies and me=)
but he bailed 5 min. before we went to go get him.
not surpised though.
he said he had to go to a basketball game...
which is so lie! i know that he just wanted to go smoke hash and get trashed...again!
he called me today at 6am..."ash i'm sick! baby come take care of me!"
i was going to...
but then i asked him why "i drank so much last night i couldn't even stand!"
once i heard that i told him i had class and couldn't go take care of him but i
would after all my classes.
i wish he would get help and sober up...
but i can't change people and i still love him despite but it's hard for me to
feel bad for him when he does it to himself after i say that he shouldn't.
ohh well i'm still going to be his "one friend he can always trust and count on"
even though it's sad cause i know what i'm getting myself into but i am cause i
allways do when it comes to addahm.
i hope he still spends christmas eve with me and my family..
i'll be really sad if he doesn't.
rrr...i want to kill that kid...
and never stop kissing him at the same time!
dang that boy!
"i'll miss you beautiful"
hmmmm...
wow i'm a sucker!
lol
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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
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1:06 am - how will i ever repay you?
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I find it funny that the things that people say no longer effect me.
The words only make me push harder.
Today I had 7 comments on my lj…
People telling me all kinds of things trying to break me or turn
My ways around.
When will people get it through their think heads…
We don’t need saving!
You know you join groups to be with people that understand you
and are going through the same thing.
To have people that love you despite!
But it’s seems like the biggest thing that happens is we all just put a big target on ourselves
For morons to come I and say whatever they want when they are bored.
For some reason I didn’t think was going to be like this.
It brings us closer together but it’s funny that you get idiots that
That spend their time saying things to people because it makes them feel
Like a bigger person or they read about people who are going through things so that they feel
Like their life is more normal.
People are so stupid!
It makes me laugh that people try to do us all harm but all it does is make us work harder!
So I guess thank you to everyone who wrote in my journal today and in my friends..
You guys kept us from messing up today!
p.s.
i lost another pound...
yay for me=)
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12:45 am - wanting to be anyone but me...
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…my vanity is overwhelmed by insecurities…
you always look your best in your room
with the lights dimmed
and your own perceptions to dilute the ugly
you don’t get why the sunlight washes away the pretty
and the outside world strips you of your confidence
what happens?
Youre the same girl
Either side of the door frame
You were probably always that introverted fat girl
It was just easier to hide her in the dark corners
Of your room
You like to watch the other girls
Trapse about in their frills and bones
Imagining their bliss of being
Always with a hint of embitterment
An occasional one whose limp or too tight tee comforts
Your evil heart
Everything is tainted with your vanity
Why should it matter how fat that girl is
Or how pretty that one is?
Because you want to be better than all of them
In at least one physical facet
You hope that if you stare hard enough you will see
Every imperfection they have
Its cruel
But not really if you consider
Your imperfections own you
Suck it in, sit up straight,
Angle your face, fix your hair,
Change your stance, perfect your glance
Then maybe you will be able to impersonate
Someone with an inkling of beauty
But you know even in your fits of struggling to feel
Better than just one
That theyre still better than you
Face to face
Outside
Theyre prettier
current mood: ugly
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Monday, November 28th, 2005
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10:29 pm
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Sunday, November 27th, 2005
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5:56 pm - day 2...and i'm feeling fine=)
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"...the reflection staring back at me is not what you see... my guilt running the need to destroy my duration... forcing me to seek guidance on an empty plate of stolen dreams and fractured rainbows..."
yes i'm feeling great but i know day four will come soon and for some reason that one is always a bitch!
but it's just one day and with my support group it will be over in no time and then before i know day 7 will be here=)
i love all of them!
i just got into edxnos again...
i love those girls!
it's been a long time but they really get me!
i love my lj...
not this one the other one...
i miss alex we are doing it together=)
yes dying together for beauty!
love me...
wait i take that back...
don't love me!
p.s.
maggie i miss you!
..and i'm ohh so jealous of how
pretty you are...
cause you are!
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Saturday, November 26th, 2005
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11:08 pm - RECAP....
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lets see...
i deleted this account and made a new one with all my other friends
but then i un deleted this one just to piss the fuck out out of people!
ok my life the last few weeks
i took every letter, picture, cd, shirt, EVERYTHING that daniel ever gave me and set it on fire
then while i was at it i decided to just get rid of everything from the past from people who are no longer a part
of my life had given me or reminded me of them and just threw it in the fire...
it was the best day of my life and i should have done it a long time ago!
then went to oceanside for a week and had tons of fun with all my o-side family
then i can home and was sick as a dog
then last night i threw a party for christy's 20 b-day with a whole bunch of the girls from oceanside..
but of course then there was my dear addahm that i took even though he was the only guy
there but they all loved him just as much as me so it worked out
then we all went and saw rent...which i loved!...
even though a lot of the movie i only just heard..wink..wink;)
then christy slammed my big toe in the car door when i was lying on addahm and broke it
then everyone went home but alex spent the night...
even though i really really didn't want addahm to leave! =*(
all together other then my toe it was a great great night!
so today we took alex back to o-side and then me and christy went shopping and we bought some tight x-mas gifts.
so yes that has been my life=)
i know i know we are hot together!
me and my other lover loren..lol
current mood: my toe hurts
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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
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11:34 am
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who the hell ever came up with the word fork?
it doesn't even sound like anything...
it's more of a sound then a word!
i was sitting in class today and you can have food in there cause the class if four hours...
and someone dropped their fork and said "fork" to while pointing to the ground where it now laid.
and that's when i thought..
WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THE WORD FORK?
i mean spoon sounds like a word and so does knife...
but fork?
that's like a saying bonk or ping something!
i bet there was a bunch of people that were coming up with names and the token stupid guy
said hey lets call it a fork and everyone was just tired of him so they just said ok.
hmmmmm....
weird!
i'm going to make something that everyone will use and i will call it....
SMASHYNOOKEYZONK!!!
lets hear everyone say that in the middle of class!
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
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9:19 pm - hate is such a strong word...it's perfect!
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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
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2:14 am - awesome is spelled with the letter maggie..that kinda sounds like budah
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so today i got to hang out with maggie...
i love her!
we are going to hang out every weekend and that makes me happy cause she is tight!
we went to claim jumpers with my family and then to this concert...
i loved the band it was great!
so i was thinking about it and she has been the first person that i have had hang out with me and the family...
and they liked her to make it even more cool.
my mom likes her alot...
she wants me to stop hanging out with the group i am cause i get into too much trouble with them..
it's true though...
i need new friends...
or more i need my old ones back.
i called akila and left her message telling her i'm sorry and i need her back in my life...
she agreed.
i wrote joe...
he wrote me back...
he's going to help me.
really though i'm happy...
i'm going to get back on track...
i'm going to get the old ashley back..kinda...
i hate so much who i am.
me maggie are going to start going to a new church..
i can't wait!
so yes it has been a great weekend!
current music: ohh you know
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, November 4th, 2005
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4:00 pm - the first step to change is admitting there is a problem...
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i've hit botttom and looking at myself i don't know who i am.
i hate who i have become and it makes me want to throw up when i
i think about how far i have come.
it's funny when i think that all i did was fallow a few little
bread crumbs and now i'm more lost then i have ever been and i can't
even see where i came from in the first place.
yesterday was the last straw...
i'm tired of who this wreck of a once decent person that i have
to face every morning.
the last two years i have been spiraling down a deep dark world of
sin and i'm done with it!
you can mark my words...
I'M DONE WITH THIS LIFE STYLE...
I'M GOING TO CHANGE..
I'M GOING TO BE A PERSON THAT
WOULD MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD!
jourdan told me last night that he doesn't even know who i am anymore
and he could no longer stand by and watch me fall faster and faster.
he said that since we broke up 5 months ago that i no longer have any of the traits
that made him fall for me...
i was hurt so i told him he was an ass and i didn't need him as a friend anyways!
thinking about it, it was hard to hear but today after my mom was talking to me about how
she doesn't know what happen to her daughter...
i realized that i hate who i am.
i'm sorry for hurting all of you...
i'm sorry for hurting myself!
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(comment on this)
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Monday, October 31st, 2005
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11:04 pm - THE POOR GROOM'S BRIDE IS A WHORE...
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12:02 am - I CAN'T TAKE THE DISTANCE...
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i'm going to cry.
i miss chris so much!
i just keep thinking i'm putting up
with all these assholes when there is
an amazing guy that loves me...
and he's a million miles away...
it makes me want to just cry!
really though i love my husband!
aaron text me...
"i want you spend the night tonight"
not a word...
till he wants sex.
fuck him!
i went to his show on friday...
and surprise he was an ass!
i do it to myself though.
i knew it was going to be this way.
god i hate my life.
i feel so used.
i feel like i'm only good for one
thing...
and i hate it!
chris come home...
you're the only that ever really cared...
honey i'm dying to hold you.
i wish that i could be one of those people
that could just wait for three years till he was done with
college and not do anything with anyone till then
but i can't...
what's wrong with me?
this weekend was crazy.
i got drunk, made out with brian and lisa, stripped for a quarter,
danced with zac (he sucks at dancing), snook out of my house
and didn't come home till 5am, got caught by the parents,
had a fight with jourdan (he brings it on him self),
didn't do homework, was on myspace 36 times in one day,
almost got my lip pieced again, ate 12 cookies in one sitting (ewww)
and last but not least...
i became friends with daniel again!
weird to think that just this time last year it was ending and now we are starting a friendship.
really though i missed that kid and i'm glad that things are cool with us now.
ohh yeah and i'm ana again...
just till the first 25 pounds come off...
i'm fucking fat!
all in all weird weekend...
and i miss my husband!
current mood: missing you
current music: CHRIS'S BAND....MY HUSBAND IS GREAT!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
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2:54 pm - POE....
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TAKE THIS KISS UPON THE BROW!
AND, IN PARTING FROM YOU NOW.
THUS THIS MUCH LET ME VOW-
YOU ARE NOT WRONG, WHO DEEM
THAT MY DAYS HAVE BEEN A DREAM;
TET IF HOPE HAS FLOWN AWAY
IN A NIGHT, OR IN A DAY,
IN A VISION, OR IN NONE,
IS IT THEREFORE THE LESS GONE?
ALL THAT WE SEE OR SEEM
IS BUT A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM.
I STAND AMID THE ROAR
OF A SURF-TORMENTED SHORE,
AND HOLD WITHIN MY HAND
GRAINS OF THE GOLDEN SAND-
HOW FEW! YET HOW THE CREEP
THROUGH MY FINGERS TO THE DEEP,
WHILE I WEEP-WHILE I WEEP!
O GOD! CAN I NOT GRASP
THEM WITH A TIGHTER CLASP?
O GOD! CAN I NOT SAVE
ONE FROM THE PITILESS WAVE?
IS ALL WE SEE OR SEEM
BUT A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM?
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
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11:00 pm - "FROM THIS DAY ON YOUR NEW NAME SHALL BE ASHBERRY!"
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so last night was crazy!!!
i got so drunk it was funny.
i kept telling lisa and addahm that i wasn't
but i so was and everyone could tell.
we went to some weird party in the middle of no where.
and then when we were leaving lise was driving me and luis and she lost control
of the car and it crashed into an orange a tree...
it happened so fast it was crazy!
we are all ok but i really banged up my leg now it's
all bruised and hurts like a bitch.
then the tow truck guy took three hours to get there.
it was alot of fun even though we were all freezing our asses off.
it was me, lisa, zack, luis, ashley, todd, and dustin and everyone was doing the funniest
things..then again alot of stuff was funny cause i was so freakin out of it.
ohh and then i took up an interest in zack during the night who is a total hottie so i got a few good make out sessions...
and may i add he is a freakin awesome kisser...hmmmmmmm....=)
then the guy came and took lisa and her car away but the rest of us went to the other party even though it was 5am...
it was kinda weird but they made it fun.
addahm was trying to seduce me...
it didnt work even though he did steal a few kisses but he told me that aaron has a girlfriend...
aaron lied to me and even though i should be mad i'm not...ya win some ya lose some right?
well then ashley took me home (i love that girl) and then i had to go straight to laguna beach for my parents 25 anniversary..
it sucked though cause i was so freakin hung over and i havent eaten in 4 days so the it was way worse cause that's all i had in my system.
over all my weekend was freakin crazy...
and i loved it!!!
current mood: dam the monday
current music: dustins song that he kept playing is running through my head
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
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5:55 pm - Number 5...."high five"..hehehehehehehe yeah it's big
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ohhhh god......
i'm not going to need sex for at least 10 years now.....
i'm sore....
but it was worth it....
man i'm a slut....
oh well....
two thumbs up for me....
two thumbs up for him....
i have a hang over still....
it sucks....
my eye's are red....
my clothes smell like vodka and marijuana....
i didn't have either....
weird....
i'm going to go party with lisa now....
goodnight confusing world....
*
current mood: sore as fuck...
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firefly_4_an_ex's journal
